The traditional marital vows often include phrases like ‘til death do us part’ and ‘in sickness and health’. But we know that the divorce rate today still hovers around 50 percent for first marriages and higher for second marriages (especially if they are blended families). When couples get married, they believe this is for the rest of their lives. Many people believe that once you are married, while it won’t be perfect, it will be forever. Divorce happens to other people.
What is guaranteed? (other than death and taxes, not much.) A lot of it comes down to trust, you are trusting your partner to be impeccable with their word. They make a promise to always be there for you so why wouldn’t you expect that? Why do couples really end up getting divorced? Many reasons but trust is often at the foundation. Whether or not it is outright lies, or a break in a promise not to stay married, betrayal is betrayal.
No matter what day, month, year, or season, one thing is for sure; relationships don’t come with directions or guarantees. When imperfect people are in relationships, they are imperfect relationships. What does this mean? It means you will inevitably hurt your partner and they will hurt you. Hopefully, it is not intentional! Hopefully you both have healthy conflict resolution skills. But there are occasions where one person in the relationship is either too fearful or simply deceitful and goes outside the relationship. I see this every day in my practice. Whether the betrayal was an emotional relationship, a sexual relationship or both, healing for the betrayed partner and for the marriage is challenging. But it is possible!
It seems that if one has a problem with alcohol or drugs or any addiction, there is a 12 step program for it. I am a huge fan of all the 12 step programs! Less so is the availability (or lack thereof) of a group for betrayed people. This is where therapy can be helpful, and at times, life changing! It is critical to work with a therapist who has expertise in this area.
Here are some thoughts to consider if you’ve been betrayed:
How did you find out about the betrayal? If your partner came to you on their own, chances are there is more hope for the future of the relationship. If you found out on your own, how genuinely remorseful is your partner? The more authentic remorse your partner has, the more hope the relationship has too. Chances are also that the more remorseful your partner is the more willing they will be to work on healing and repairing the relationship.
Why did the betrayal occur? Do you have a clear understanding of why your partner felt they couldn’t come to you with their frustrations? Or maybe they tried but you dismissed them? In no way, shape, or form does this entitle anyone to betray you. Having said that, it’s important to understand the reasoning behind your partner’s choices.
What are each of you willing to do differently moving forward? Are you willing to read about healing from infidelity, go to therapy, be more of an open book, or give the benefit of the doubt more often? Any, and all of these options can help.
If you or someone you know have been betrayed, you don’t have to suffer alone. Feel free to reach out with any questions you may have so you and your partner can get back to connection and trust again. Guarantee yourself that you will always do what it takes to honor you as our relationship with ourself is the most important one we will ever have!