Client after client comes into my office and will often express their frustrations with their spouse/partner. It is much more infrequent, (but it does happen) where someone will come in and share how they are contributing to the problems in their relationship. Yet we all know that it takes two to tango, even if the tango dance is a mess!
When was the last time you took a good look at yourself? How do you contribute to the strengths and the weaknesses in your relationship? Blaming our partner is ‘easier’ in some ways because we don’t have to look at ourselves, which can be a difficult thing to do. But blame is toxic in relationships; it hurts our partner and leaves us powerless. We can’t change them; we can only change ourselves and our response to them. Truly looking at ourselves in relationships is the only way we can create change and it is all we have control over. This is not an easy thing to do but it is critically important for a healthy relationship!
Answer the following questions…HONESTLY…to see where you stand and how you can improve.
Do you offer advice to your partner when it is not asked for?
Do you criticize your partner thinking it is constructive and maybe it doesn’t come across that way?
Do you give genuine words of appreciation just because you feel it?
Do you go out of your way to follow up with your spouse about a problem they were struggling with?
Do you do kind gestures for your spouse?
Do you cook, clean and/or initiate sex?
Do you yell at your partner or name call?
Do you apologize?
Do you say thank you?
Do you ‘own’ your issues?
If you answered ‘yes’ to numbers 1, 2 and 7, it may be helpful to rethink your approach with your spouse. If you answered yes to the rest of the questions, good for you! Whatever your answers are these questions can help you to see yourself more clearly. Are you contributing more to the problems or the solutions in the relationship? Blaming NEVER helps a couple feel closer; nor does getting advice when it is not asked for. Instead, ask your partner how you can be a better spouse to them? And if you are courageous enough to hear their truth, without getting defensive, it is valuable information for you to have.
Life is too short to spend time focused on your partner’s weaknesses. Look at their strengths and then strengthen your weak points.